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Why Most "Difficult Person" Training Misses the Point Entirely
Three months ago, I watched a senior manager storm out of what was supposedly our company's "best ever" difficult persons workshop. The irony wasn't lost on anyone in the room.
After two decades in workplace training and consulting across Melbourne, Brisbane, and Perth, I've seen more badly delivered "difficult person" programs than I care to count. And here's something that'll probably ruffle a few feathers: most of them are teaching you to be the difficult person.
The Real Problem Nobody Talks About
Walk into any corporate training room where they're running a difficult persons session, and you'll immediately spot the elephant. Half the participants are there because HR thinks they're the difficult ones. The other half are there because they complained about someone else being difficult.
It's like relationship counselling where only one person shows up.
I remember working with a pharmaceutical company in Sydney where the "difficult person" everyone complained about turned out to be their most productive researcher. She just happened to ask inconvenient questions about timelines and budgets. In hindsight, she was probably the only one actually doing her job properly.
The traditional approach teaches you scripts and techniques to "handle" difficult people. But what if – and bear with me here – what if the person isn't actually difficult? What if they're just passionate, detail-oriented, or heaven forbid, right about something important?
What Actually Makes Someone "Difficult"
Here's where I'll probably lose some of you: 73% of workplace conflicts I've mediated stem from miscommunication, not personality disorders. People aren't inherently difficult. They become difficult when:
- Their communication style clashes with yours
- They're under pressure you can't see
- They have information you don't have
- They've been burned before by similar situations
Real difficult behaviour involves consistent patterns of manipulation, aggression, or deliberate sabotage. But let's be honest – most "difficult" people are just... different.
Take my former colleague Sarah (name changed because, well, discretionary training habits die hard). Everyone thought she was difficult because she questioned every decision in meetings. Turned out she'd been through three corporate restructures where poor planning had cost people their jobs. She wasn't being difficult; she was being careful.
The Scripts Don't Work (And Here's Why)
Corporate training loves giving you scripts. "When dealing with a hostile person, try saying..." followed by some corporate-speak that sounds like it was written by a committee of robots.
Real conversation doesn't work like that.
I've seen people try to use these scripted responses, and the results are predictably awkward. It's like watching someone read from a telemarketer's handbook. The "difficult" person immediately knows you're following a script, which makes them more defensive, not less.
Instead of scripts, you need principles. Understanding. And sometimes – controversial opinion incoming – you need to admit they might have a point.
The Emotional Intelligence Blind Spot
Most difficult persons training focuses on managing other people's emotions. But here's what 15 years of workplace mediation has taught me: you can't manage someone else's emotions. You can only manage your response to them.
This is where companies like Atlassian have got it right. They focus on psychological safety and open communication rather than trying to fix "difficult" people. (Yes, I'm a fan. Sue me.)
The breakthrough moment in any difficult conversation isn't when you successfully deploy Technique #47 from your training manual. It's when you stop seeing the person as difficult and start seeing them as human.
What Works Instead
Real-world strategies that actually move the needle:
Listen for the underlying concern. That person who keeps shooting down ideas in meetings? They might be worried about workload, budget constraints, or past failures. Address the concern, not the behaviour.
Check your own triggers. Sometimes we label people as difficult because they remind us of our high school maths teacher or our ex-brother-in-law. That's a you problem, not a them problem.
Ask better questions. Instead of "Why are you being so negative?" try "What would need to change for this to work?" Different question, different outcome.
Set clear boundaries. This is where most people get it wrong. Being understanding doesn't mean being a doormat. You can acknowledge someone's concerns while still holding them accountable for respectful communication.
The Feedback Loop Nobody Mentions
Here's something they don't teach in most customer service fundamentals courses: difficult behaviour often escalates because the system rewards it.
Think about it. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. The person who complains loudest gets attention. The one who pushes hardest gets their way.
If your workplace consistently caves to difficult behaviour, you're essentially training people to be more difficult. You've created a feedback loop where being reasonable gets you ignored and being unreasonable gets you results.
I worked with a manufacturing company where the production manager had learned that the only way to get IT support was to call the helpdesk and lose his temper. Polite requests went to the bottom of the queue. Angry calls got immediate attention.
Guess what happened to his communication style over five years?
The Australian Context (Because It Matters)
Australian workplace culture adds its own twist to this. We value directness, but we also have this weird thing about not wanting to rock the boat. So we'll complain about difficult people behind closed doors but avoid direct conversations.
This creates a peculiar situation where someone can be labelled "difficult" without ever knowing there's a problem. They continue behaving in ways that annoy their colleagues, completely oblivious to the impact.
Meanwhile, their colleagues are building resentment and practicing passive-aggressive communication techniques that would make a teenager proud.
When "Difficult" Is Actually Valuable
Controversial take number two: some "difficult" people are your organisation's immune system.
They're the ones asking uncomfortable questions about compliance, safety, or ethics. They're pointing out flaws in systems that everyone else has learned to work around. They're being the adult in the room when everyone else wants to pretend problems don't exist.
I've seen companies lose valuable employee supervision capabilities because they couldn't distinguish between genuinely disruptive behaviour and necessary dissent.
The Real Training You Need
Instead of learning how to handle difficult people, learn how to have difficult conversations. There's a massive difference.
Handling difficult people assumes the problem is with them. Having difficult conversations assumes the problem is between you and requires both parties to engage constructively.
That pharmaceutical researcher I mentioned earlier? Once her manager learned to have proper conversations about project timelines instead of dismissing her concerns as "being difficult," their team's project success rate improved by 40%.
What This Means for Your Next Training Budget
If you're looking at difficult persons training options, ask these questions first:
- Does the program focus on understanding behaviour or changing it?
- Are they teaching conversation skills or manipulation techniques?
- Do they address systemic issues or just individual responses?
- Is there any mention of when the "difficult" person might actually be right?
Most importantly: are they teaching you to see people as problems to be solved, or as colleagues with different perspectives and pressures?
The Bottom Line (Finally)
Difficult people aren't the problem. Difficult systems are.
When you create environments where people feel heard, respected, and valued – even when they disagree – most "difficult" behaviour disappears naturally.
The rest? Well, sometimes you just need better hiring practices.
Related Training Resources:
- Learning Sphere Blog - Practical workplace supervision insights
- Lead Store Posts - Customer service excellence strategies